Probably the worst aspect of this for me was the fact that I no longer could count on any comfort whatsoever from Paul’s body. His withdrawal from me was absolute, total, so that even on the few nights that he deigned to sleep with me in the apartment, he simply flopped himself into bed and rolled over to face the wall. Nothing I did could revive or encourage him in any way, when I touched him, I could feel his body turn to stone, a rigidity so complete as to be positively frightening. After a few nights of this, interspersed with those terrifying long absences, I even found myself wishing that he were the type of man who could simply objectify women, take advantage of them, use them for their bodies alone, and that he would coldly ravage me, impale me on the sword of his mysterious anger. Never have I come so dangerously close to losing my integrity, the pride and confidence that have kept me alive and triumphant even in life and death situations. Never before had I been so willing. Even if the DA accepted his plea the defendant would be in prison until he turned ninety years old.With the DA and detective Springer's permission, I went to the uncle's house to retrieve legal papers and the rest of the kids' property. It was appalling how much time their uncle must have spent making porn and how little time he spent providing a safe and nurturing environment for his niece and nephew. The house was filthy and infested with vermin. Bobby, it seemed, was the only one doing laundry to make sure they had clean clothes. I found out later that ten-year-old Melissa and fifteen-year-old Bobby were also doing all the cooking in the house.Life at our Camelot was finally settling down to a predictable state. Slowly, however, bit by bit the secret that Grace, Kim and I were keeping under wraps started to leak out. While we knew the truth about our trip to Camelot as king and queen we did not feel that anyone else in the house would believe it. That's the reason we tried to keep.
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