It wasn’t my laugh. I could feel my husband wince. I tried to clasp a string of pearls around my throat. My hands wouldn’t cooperate. ‘Why did you tell me? Why now?’ I banged my open palm down on the vanity top. I decided against the pearls. ‘What do you want me to say? That I want to leave you? I don’t. I couldn’t keep it from you. I’ve never kept anything from you for twenty years.’ It was my turn to remain silent. I heard his footsteps retreat in the direction of the master bathroom. They disappeared when he reached the carpet. I heard the door click shut. When I finally turned around, I encountered our empty bedroom. His suit jacket was draped across the bed. When I looked at the blue silk lining, I noticed a loosened thread. I pulled it and snapped it off. The jacket looked as good as new. The door clicked open. When I looked up, my husband was facing me. He clutched the door handle. His eyes were wide. I choked back another laugh. I stood, moving again to my vanity. ‘Well, we. When his buddies arrive with a case of beer, I take them all on, while theysmoke my cigarettes and grass and use me as their suck bitch. I like itwhen a sort of pack mentality begins to make some of the guys more abusive.I've enjoyed being pissed on by guys--either all at once or else takingturns, one after the other. I've also submitted to beltings and whippings.I get excited when it feels like it might get out of hand. After a trulyabusive session, when you'd think I would have felt the worst, I insteadfeel relieved, relaxed and empowered. .In my case the ultimate cause of this masochism was inadequate fathering.My dad was an iron worker and I remember him mostly being too tired to doanything with us boys (except, significantly, the occasional spanking). Somany of the skills I needed to function socially as a boy (i.e. learn tothrow a ball, learn to ride a bike) I had to do the best I could on my own.When a cousin or a pal would help me learn these things, I would end uphaving a.
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